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ARTICLE : When parenting methods collide
There is nothing more important, when raising a child with your partner, that you focus on unity and consistency.
The old saying a house divided will not stand, is so true, when it comes to building a firm and
sturdy foundation in the life of a child. Children want to see a united front, a united force
if you will. When they do not see this, but rather see strife and bickering on how to handle a
situation, they will soon discover they can divide and conquer. Once this has started, it will
be much harder to once again gain control.
As a mother, I can tell you that sometimes my maternal side (loving / nurturing / caring / forgiving)
can outweigh my practical side when it comes to discipline ... if I let it.
However, my husband is practical, logical, and not burdened with those maternal feelings,
so when we combine forces we come out with a unified, firm but loving set of rules and discipline.
What they do not tell you in marriage and parenting manuals, is that you should try to have in place
PROIR to the birth of your first child, the standards in which you will try to adhere to with your children.
What this allows for is time to discuss the areas you disagree on before that child arrives.
Some things to think about...
1) do you believe in spanking?
2) what method of discipline do you prefer?
3) when do you discipline, when do you admonish, warn, etc.?
4) are you a take action now person, or one who will sit back and yell?
5) who will administer discipline? the wife, husband, both?
6) what happens when they disobey again, after discipline?
7) when do you forgive and give a second chance?
8) do you correct a child for making a normal childhood / innocent mistake?
While some of these may sound silly, you would be amazed to hear how many couples
these exact questions have brought multiple problems for, when raising a child together.
By talking about these ahead of time, prior to childbirth or when your child is very
young, you will be able to work out the details and see what combination of beliefs
and practices best suit the needs of your family. Remember, when married or parenting,
you must practice and expect some give and take or you will have more problems than
you ever dreamed possible.
Even if you have waited for what seems like too long, to set into practice a good
system of parenting - there is no time to start like the present. It is never wrong
to apologize to our children, admit mistakes in our parenting and promise to do better
in the future. When they see you remain committed to this, for more than a day or two,
they will begin to feel secure in this change and will begin to make changes as well,
when they become required.
Parenting is not HARD - it is a lot of fun - ONCE we find a balance that works.
Remember - things have changed since you were a child - however, just because things
have changed does not mean your morals, family values or convictions have changed.
Sometimes our kids need reminded of this, as do we. What Joe does down the street
is not always what I will allow in my home.
My kids that are older have told me they think my parenting methods were pretty
easy to live with. While I did not make rules for every single thing they did
each day, when I had a rule it was for a distinct purpose (usually their safety)
and I would not budge from it no matter what, so save your breath. They have
told me that while they did not like everything I set into place, as kids,
they now look back and understand why and think they had it much easier
than many of their peers, in most respects, but did not get by with as much
as many of their peers either, because I kept an eye open and did not let things
slip - I was committed to my purpose as a mother, and not one to back down when
I said something. Consistency pays! and is totally required if you want to raise
children who take accountability for their actions.
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