Balance for New Moms ... Yeah right!
I love babies. There is nothing more fulfilling and heart-expanding than having a baby and raising a child. But, let's be honest. We all know that from the moment a woman brings her new baby home from the hospital, and for that first year, at least, finding time for herself is plain fantasy. The truth is that a baby is a twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week "need machine." A newborn needs to be fed, changed, bathed, held, rocked, loved and put to sleep long enough for mom to wash his onesies, empty the diaper pail, stock up on more diapers and pump breast milk, or make more formula, and the cycle starts all over again the moment baby wakes up. Whew! Because it's such an intensive time, it usually means that just about everything else that matters in a new mom's life will be excluded. So the idea of finding any sort of balance during that first year with her baby is naïve at best. Isn't it?
After being childless and carefree for much of my adult life, I was in for quite a shock when I gave birth to twins. Like losing a best friend, I witnessed the instant deterioration of my daily meditation, exercise, writing, cooking, long lunches with friends, and intimate evenings with my husband. You know, the kind of self-nurturing activities that keep you glued together? I could almost hear my friends, who had already had children, snicker behind my back, "she's clueless!" Not one to buck conventional wisdom at the outset, I did what many new mothers often do and put the rest of my life on hold. "Small sacrifice," you say? That's what I thought at first. However, those little sacrifices quickly added up to one stressed mom. My patience became stretched thin. I found it difficult to be fully present with my babies. Being deprived of what was sure to center me made the challenges of motherhood that much more difficult. So, to maintain to my wits, I had to find a way to incorporate back into my life some of my pre-baby activities - admittedly, a bit pared down.
Now, granted, I had twins - a challenging event, no matter how you approach it. Yet the challenge to a mother of a singleton isn't much different. She is still required to be a full-time mommy twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Most mothers of singletons I've met, although thrilled to have a new baby in their life, have guiltily confessed to wanting more personal time. Denise Theberge, Ph.D. mother of two and clinical psychologist in private practice says, "I see a lot of moms who feel guilty if they try to take some time for themselves, but if a new mother doesn't do just, that she'll become easily frustrated, exhausted and possibly even depressed."
It makes sense that if a new mom is frustrated, exhausted or not thinking clearly, her parenting skills will suffer. So will the rest of her life. It's important that a new mom make it a priority to do at least some personal activity (or inactivity) that keeps her centered, so that the challenge of motherhood doesn't feel overwhelming.
The good news is that a large chunk of time is not required. Just fifteen minutes of exercise, or thirty minutes of rest a day can help you feel refreshed, renewed and ready to return to the demands of motherhood. "Even having the time to take a shower undisturbed and put on make-up in the morning can help you feel ready to face the day," says Theberge.
When I shared with my friends and family the good news that I was pregnant with twins, they all said two words to me, "Get help." That was the best advice I received. Now, you might be saying, "But I can't afford help," or "I could never leave my baby with anyone else!" I said that too. Learning to trust a stranger with the most precious thing in your life is scary. Also, hiring a full-time, or even an occasional babysitter, can be costly. However, there are several alternatives to taking out a second mortgage on your home in order to get a breather. Following are some suggestions on how to make it work.
1.
Postpartum Doulas. Some hospitals now offer, free of charge, the services of a part-time postpartum doula for the first few weeks after giving birth. Ask your hospital, and if it's offered, take it. The first few weeks can be particularly difficult and having someone around who's trained to work with babies and postpartum moms is enormously helpful. Let her take over for an hour or more so you can rest - the most important self-care activity in the beginning. To find out more about doula care check Doulas of North America. Their website is www.dona.org.
2.
Mother's Helper. Investigate the availability of teenagers in your neighborhood who might want to earn a few bucks helping out with grocery shopping, laundry or washing dishes. This will buy you some time so you can rest, exercise, or play in your garden while baby is napping. Notice I'm not suggesting you allow the teen to baby-sit. Trusting someone so young with a newborn is risky. But, she can help out with those daily tasks which always need to be done, but not necessarily by you.
3.
Baby-sitting Swaps. Is there another new mother in your neighborhood? If she's someone you've gotten to know and trust, suggest a babysitting swap. For example, one morning or evening you watch her little one, and on alternate days she watches yours. My friend, Amie was busy balancing work and pursuing a Masters in child development when her little boy Nicholas was born.
While she knew it would be impossible to continue both school and work full time, she was determined not to quit. Not only was acquiring a Masters important to her, but taking classes at a University also provided intellectual stimulation and social opportunities with others of similar interest. After spending the first few months intensely bonding with her son, she returned to school the following semester with two classes -
one in the evening, sharing baby duty with her husband, and one in the day, trading babysitting with a new mom in the neighborhood. She then began a part-time job where she was permitted to bring her baby. "A lot of new moms seem to get stuck in a 'baby schedule' rut. They spend all their time at home trying to do the baby's schedule perfectly, along with keeping the house perfect. Having a new baby shouldn't change your life beyond recognition, if you remain flexible." Amie says. "You really can still do some of the same things you did before baby was born."
4.
Daddy. Like my friend, if you're married or are co-parenting with the baby's father, work around his schedule. Don't get caught in the mental trap that as a mommy you are the only qualified parent to care for baby. Give him a chance at being a father. Chances are he'll get better at it with every opportunity.
5.
Network. Check with other mothers and within mothers' groups for referrals to child caregivers. Working outside the agencies allows you to keep the costs down. If you chose this route, you'll need to check all references thoroughly, and spend the first several days or weeks monitoring your babysitter's interaction with your child. For other important tips on hiring the right caregiver, you can visit my website at
www.babybonding.com.
6.
Support. Speaking of mothers groups…find one that's right for you, join it and take advantage of the support available. Theberge says, "Isolation can lead to negative feelings about oneself. Emotional contact with others of similar experience is healing." You may want to visit
www.mommyandme.com to see if there's a Mommy & Me playgroup in your area. If you're a stay-at-home mom,
www.familyandhome.org is a good resource. Do you live in Colorado? Moxie Moms is a fun support group there. You can also do a "Google Search" for "mom's support groups" to find a variety of special interest support groups in your area. If you do happen to have multiples, look into the Mothers of Twins Club
(www.nomotc.org.) There's a chapter in just about every city. If you can't find an appropriate mother's support club in your town, start one. Chances are other parents are looking to join one too.
7.
Combo Time. Find ways to bring baby along while you engage in self-nurturing activities. A good example of this is the mom who continues to run her same route as before the baby was born…this time with a jogging stroller. Also investigate child care at your gym, yoga studio or salon. There is the sweetest young girl who cares for my twins in a colorful room at the salon while I'm having my hair done. One of my friend's favorite weekend getaways is the hour drive to Santa Barbara where her mother lives. This trip combines visiting relatives, cool ocean breezes and a loving parent to baby-sit while she and her husband enjoy an evening out.
8.
Relax into the Moment When it's not logistically possible to take a personal break, a shift in perspective can be valuable. Tracy Rosberg, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and mother of "Irish triplets" (that's twins plus one a year younger) says, "Many new mothers find themselves thinking about how many things they need to do, and worry about how they'll get a chance to do them. It's anxiety provoking. Therefore, it's helpful, and so much more freeing to make a conscious effort to be in the moment as often as you can. Consciously relax into the task at hand. A good way to do that is to simply breathe and ask your self, 'What am I doing right now?' Maybe the time you're rocking your baby to sleep can be a nurturing moment for you as well."
Finding ways to balance your life and stay centered is not only important for you, but for your baby as well. Your newborn deserves a mother who can be fully present with him or her. Theberge warns new moms "not to look to her baby for happiness. That's too much responsibility for an infant." Instead she encourages moms to "find happiness within themselves, then bring that to your baby."
After I began to take little bits of time each day to nurture myself, I became more relaxed and confident as a mother. I would say out loud, "I can do this!" and really mean it. I felt more balanced as a woman. And, perhaps the greatest benefit, was that I was able to form a stronger and more loving bond with my baby girls that continues to this day.
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